That First Month of Grief–What is Shock? How to Get Through After Your Loved One Dies

By Carol O'Dell

October 3, 2008 

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The first month after your loved one dies is perhaps one of the scariest,

most dreaded times in a person’s life.

Losing a spouse, a parent, a child is devastating. But somehow, you will get through. I know you don’t think you will. But there’s this little thing called breathing. Your body does it whether you want it to or not. Your heart can be breaking, your gut wrenched, and you can feel as if you will truly lose your mind–and your body will continue to take its next breath. There will be times when you don’t want to breathe. You don’t want to live–the pain is so intense. Just let your body get your through for now. It’s a divine design–to keep our heart and lungs on automatic. I’m sure I would have either forgotten or opted not to breathe, not to allow my heart to pump if I had any say in the matter. But this sheer involuntary response is the only way to go on during those early days of grief. Death comes in many forms–by way of an accident, or after a long agonizing illness–it’s never easy. Even when you’ve been caregiving for years and you know your loved one is no longer suffering, almost everyone has a difficult time letting go. Why? Why is it so difficult to watch death take those we love–even after pain and suffering, and even old age? I believe because there’s something in us that deeply believes in the eternal. Our brains do not compute that life is simply cut off. I’m not basing this on any particular religion or theology–I’m basing this on biology–we cannot comprehend that someone we know and love was here yesterday–and is not here today. Those who look at this purely scientific would say that it’s mere habit–but something in me feels that it’s more. Why, after practicing a lifetime of faith, and believing with all our hearts that we will see our loved one again–is it still so hard to stand next to their lifeless, breathless body and kiss them goodbye? The same reason a toddler cries for his/her mother. We don’t like separation. And those early days of separation are very, very difficult. What’s it like? That first month? Experiencing a death of someone we love–at any age, and for any reason, usually means that we go into shock. Not only have I experienced the death of several loved ones, like you, I have many family and friends who have also experience grief and loss. By looking at these first few days and weeks, we can begin to see a pattern–in ourselves and others. It’s less scary to know that we’re not alone, and that our bizarre thoughts and actions are something others experience as well. What is shock? It’s our body’s response to trauma or pain. Physically, speaking, shock is when the body isn’t getting enough oxygen. It can occur after an injury when the body shuts down (the blood stays close to the heart to preserve life at its core level–or it can occur after a severe emotional trauma. WebMD desribes shock as this:

1. A sudden physical or biochemical disturbance that results in inadequate blood flow and oxygenation of an animal’s vital organs.
2. A state of profound mental and physical depression consequent to severe physical injury or to emotional disturbance.

If you’ve ever experienced shock (yourself or by witnessing it in another person), one of its prime characteristics is that you’re probably not reacting to pain (physically or emotionally) as you would expect. Car accident victims can walk around with a head wound or internal injury–and only after minutes or even hours does the body “compute” the damage and begin to react. This may give the person time to rescue a child or get out of a fire. Emotional trauma shock can present with similar symptoms–the person may talk or act rather normal, even when you would expect them to cry or scream or fall apart. They might eventually do all those things–but it may be weeks or months later. The mind has the ability to stay “in shock” much longer than the body–and it will usually only allow the person to really feel and experience the deepest levels of grief when it’s safe. The movie, Reign Over Me is a great example of emotional shock. Adam Sandlerplays a man who lost his wife and children during 9/11. He spends years in “shock,” and the exploration of how this man deals with grief in an unconventional way–and the arguments that the social and mental health community make to try to “fix” him, is interesting. Every person’s journey with grief and loss is different. Honor yours. Trust your gut, your shock will get you through. During the first month you might: (no two people are the same)

• Be able to plan an elaborate funeral or memorial service
• Hold yourself together–be courteous, thoughtful and polite
• Look healthy and strong
• Go back to work days or weeks after your loved one passes
• Feel euphoric–an urgency to get on with life
• Plan a trip, go shopping, or other ordinary things
• Go off with friends and do things you haven’t been able to do in a long time

But…if you observe grief and shock a little closer, you’ll notice things aren’t quite what they appear on the surface. You might also:

• Feel high strung, nervous, agitated
• Can’t pay attention, get bored or antsy with people
• Suffer from insomnia
• Have a panic or anxiety attack when you’re out in public
• Zone out and not remember where you are
• Feel guilty and think you caused your loved one to die (by taking them to the hospital, or not taking them, or a myriad of other decisions you had to make)
• Forget things–your keys locked in the car, your wallet at the gas station
• Avoid falling apart or crying because you may feel like once you start, you won’t be able to stop
• Have nightmares, even scary dreams of your loved one coming back alive–but not alive
• Become obsessed with something–putting your affairs in order, doing something your loved one nagged you about but you put off–but now you’re doing it to excess
• Do something, anything to feel alive–gamble, go to Vegas, visit online chat rooms, shop too much, eat too much
• You may start to snap at people–or cling–can’t let yourself be alone
• Your emotional pendulum keeps swinging wider and wider

Practical Things You Typically Do The First Month:

• File for and receive the death certificate (that’s tough)
• Contact your life insurance
• Decide when or if to go back to work
• Comfort others around you–children, friends, even when you don’t feel like it
• Cancel credit cards and put your house or car in your name only
• Pay the bills associated with your loved one’s passing–funeral expenses, etc.
• Decide to buy or sell certain items
• Figure out how to pay the bills or deal with repairs–whatever your spouse/loved one did that you now must do
• Catch up with your lfe–if your loved one was ill, there may be many things that need your attention now
• Write thank you notes and figure out how to handle your relationships with this new change

Emotionally You’ll Have To:

• Make calls and let businesses know your loved one has passed
• Talk to many family and friends–and some of them will be awkward and say the “wrong” thing
• Walk back in your house, your bedroom, drive his car–feel his/her presence and be faced with your loss
• Sleep in the bed he’s/she’s no longer in
• Deal with clothes, cars and other personal items–even if you don’t start sorting and deciding what you keep, they are with you–in your house and your life
• Allow your brain and heart to assimilate that your loved one’s not here for you to call–to talk to
• Wake up and think he’s/she’s still there
• Feel alone and lost even when you’re busy
• Figure out who you are now and what to do with your time and energy
• Think about that “first” that is to come–first birthday without him, holiday without her–and make a plan
• Literally survive the best you can

For most people, the first month is a blur. At times, you’re in bone crushing grief alternting with an odd euphoric gotta-get-out feeling. You can bite someone’s head off or not even care if the shoes on your feet were on fire. There’s a lot to do, and that list of wrapping things up and starting anew at least keeps your keep moving. The good news is: you probably won’t remember most of this. Shock does a whammy on the brain. You may feel like you’ve put your skin on inside out–and your nerve endings are exploding–but later, there will be many things you can’t recall. Your body is protecting you. Let it. J As crazy, lost, alone, scattered, numb, and frantic as you feel in those first months, know that as hard as it is to believe, it won’t last forever. Just breathe. http://caroldodell.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/that-first-month-of-grief-what-is-shock-how-to-get-through-after-your-loved-one-dies/

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Traveling On The Road Called Grief

Grief, it does not happen only when a person passes away. It is an emotion that accompanies some type of loss or tragedy that has taken place or is taking place in our lives.

"I recently had a moment, where I allowed myself to look into mom’s eyes, and linger there for a minute or so. That moment opened up those feelings of grief, the loss of the person mom once was. I do not allow myself that moment very often because it is painful; however it is a release to let the tears flow even for a few minutes."    I wrote this months ago, and felt it fit into this post on grief, because that was what I was experiencing, even though mom was still with me.

As your caregivers journey takes you on this road called grief, it is important to recognize and share with others these moments.
 
On Friday, August 9th mom stopped eating.  I managed to give her a few bites of pudding, but most of the time she just shook her head no, didn't want anything.
It is Saturday, August 14.  Last Friday mom, stopped eating.  I in my desperate need to feed and nurture her, would continue to offer her some of her pudding.  I managed a few times through those days to get her to take some of it.  But most of the time she would give me a little no head shake.

With mom’s passing on 8-16-10,  grief moved into my life in full force.  I do have the assurance and joy of knowing mom is in heaven and I will see her again.  She is strong, straight, free of wrinkles, and has thick beautiful hair.  But, I miss her. 

We have her remains here in a beautiful scattering tube that was purchased so we could scatter her remains along the Ohio River, her favorite place to swim when she was young.  I go into her room and pick up the container at least once a day, and I cry and I tell her how glad I am that she is in heaven and is perfect and whole now and with dad.  But, I say, I miss you mom.  So much has happened in these days since she left, wonderful things, but on the days that I am home all day, just me and the cats (and now we have a ferret too), I feel the loneliness and emptiness all around me, so keenly aware of the absence of her presence.  I miss her.  Grief is hard to bear yes, but how worse it would be if I did not know where she was and that I will see her again.  Faith and hope, more powerful then grief.

For a season, there will be grief, mourning the loss, missing here and I will go on.  As I was told about 2 ½ years ago, when mom is gone, I will continue on without skipping a beat.  That is so.

For those who have not yet followed my journey as mom’s caregiver these past years, you can do so on my first blogsite, The Bear Hug Waltz,  http://bearhugwaltz.blogspot.com  I will not be posting to that site anymore, as the waltz has ended.   

This Monday will be two weeks since mom passed.  Some days have dragged by unmercifully, while others zipping by.  It seems like a long time ago, yet just yesterday, or maybe the day before, I was sitting here typing and I started to get up to go check on mom.   I slowly sat back down.  No, I don’t have to do that anymore.

I want to include in this blog a post I wrote called the Long Goodbye.  Quite a few people have written posts or articles titled the same.  This one is my version.

The Long Goodbye

goodbye to sewing

goodbye to tole painting

goodbye to quilting

goodbye to doing laundry

goodbye to driving

goodbye to managing money

goodbye to taking trips

goodbye to shopping

goodbye to baking

goodbye to cleaning house

goodbye to doing dishes

goodbye to sending cards

goodbye to talking on the phone

goodbye to cooking

goodbye to reading and word search puzzles

goodbye to walking alone

goodbye to getting in the tub

goodbye to making it to the bathroom during the night

goodbye to telling time

goodbye to cooking

goodbye to going out

goodbye to remembering some times and places

goodbye to remembering some family and friends

goodbye to bathing

goodbye to using the bathroom, only the potty

goodbye to knowing morning from night

goodbye to eating solids

goodbye to drinking liquids

goodbye to feeding herself

goodbye to using a straw

goodbye to dentures

goodbye to blowing her nose

goodbye to sitting in a chair or on the couch

goodbye to using the potty

goodbye to controlled body eliminations

goodbye to talking

goodbye to my name

goodbye to standing

goodbye to sitting unassisted

goodbye to being up in wheelchair for more then once a day

goodbye to always sleeping at night

goodbye to eating what I determine to be enough for her

goodbye to skin staying strong and intact.

hello mom with the twinkle in your blue eyes......

But now the twinkle is gone, at least the earthly twinkle, now a sparkle exists that I can’t wait to see!

 

 

Safely Home - author unknown

SAFELY HOME
I am home in Heaven, dear ones; Oh, so happy and so bright! There is perfect joy and beauty In this everlasting light!   All the pain and grief is over, Every restless tossing passed; I am now at peace forever, Safely home in Heaven at last.   Did you wonder I so calmly Trod the valley of the shade? Oh! but Jesus' love illuminated Every dark and fearful glade.   And HE came Himself to meet me In that way so hard to tread; And with Jesus' arm to lean on, Could I have one doubt or dread?   Then you must not grieve so sorely, For I love you dearly still; Try to look beyond earth's shadows, Pray to trust our Father's Will.   There is work still waiting for you, So you must not idly stand, Do it now, while life remaineth - You shall rest in Jesus' land.   When that work is all completed, He will gently call you Home; Oh, the rapture of that meeting, Oh, the joy to see you come!

Author: unknown
Date: July 23, 2010

http://www.last-memories.com/articles/147

The Box of Daughter by: Katherine-Mayfield

http://www.katherine-mayfield.com/boxofdaughter.html

Stages of Grief By Melanie Haiken

Stages of Grief  By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor 

Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.   But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.

Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial

For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?
Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver, it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.
What you might be feeling:

• Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me.
• Alienated from other people, as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
• Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.

What you might notice:

• Memory gaps, such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
• Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
• Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.

What to do:

• Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
• Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.

When the protective curtain of denial slowly slips aside, intense feelings start to surface. This may be the hardest time, when things seem darkest. Self-blame is common. You may find yourself replaying conversations and decisions in your mind and asking yourself if you should have done things differently. If you've lost someone who's been suffering or in pain, you may experience a complex mix of relief coupled with guilt. It's common to hear a judging voice in your head, berating you for feeling relieved -- but actually relief is a perfectly normal reaction.

What you might be feeling:

• Extreme mood swings, feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next.
• Physical and/or emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning, or even like you can't go on any longer.
• Guilt -- if you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel guilty that you yourself have your health. If you've been a primary caregiver, you may feel relieved that the intense period of caregiving is over and you can return to your "normal" life, yet you feel terribly guilty for having such thoughts.

What you might notice:

• Tears that come when you least expect them.
• Negative thoughts about yourself.
• Obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in your mind things you did and didn't do or say.
• Exhaustion and lethargy -- feeling overwhelmed and defeated, asking yourself "what's the point?"

What to do:

• Find ways to turn off the "tapes" replaying themselves in your mind. If there are moments or images that are particularly traumatic to remember (the decision to turn off life support, for example, or an image of your loved one in pain), talk through the memories with family members and friends who went through them with you.

Saying, "I keep thinking of how much pain she was in and wondering if there was more we could have done" allows you to get the dark feelings and fears out in the open so that you and those who were also present can talk through what happened.

You may be surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation.

• Ask for help. This is the time to find a support group, therapist, or close friend or family member who's been through something similar, who can help you work through these very difficult feelings.
• Force yourself to reach out. It's easy to hide away or isolate yourself when you feel that you're "not at your best," but this is just the time to reach out. Put a few close friends or family members on alert by saying, "I'm having a pretty tough time right now. Can I call you when I'm really feeling down?" Setting this up ahead of time gives you permission to pick up the phone.
• Let yourself off the hook. If you're experiencing guilt for surviving, or relief that their suffering or your caregiving role is over, remind yourself that those feelings are common and natural and nothing to feel bad about. The truth of the situation is that the person you were caring for is out of pain and some of the burdens that have overwhelmed you have been lifted, and it's natural to react with relief.

http://www.caring.com/articles/stages-of-grief

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Death of a Parent/Why A Parents Death is a Special Kind of Loss

By Paula Spencer, Caring.com senior editor

The death of a mother or father can strike an adult child unexpectedly hard. Parent death brings a unique kind of grieving, whether you've been a hands-on caregiver and helper at the end of life or your parent has been living independently and well. The break in the parent-child bond can reverberate for the rest of your life.
Here are six factors that grief experts say can shape grieving over a parent's death:
1. Our parents are our "wisdom keepers." "We spend a lifetime looking to our parents for answers," says psychotherapist Sherry E. Showalter, author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life. They're the repositories of knowledge about our history, our upbringing, family traditions, the names of all those faces in old photos. With their passing so, too, goes the information and insight that hasn't already been transmitted or recorded.
2. Unresolved issues often follow the parent-child relationship into adulthood. The balance of the parent-child relationship shifts several times, first as we gain maturity and create our own families, and then as parents grow older and often need our support. These realities bring plenty of opportunities for misunderstanding or discord. And not all these bumps are smoothed out by the end. Differences that go unreconciled can leave a forlorn sense of unfinished business, Showalter says.
3. Parent death always feels sudden -- even when it's not. People often expect that the death of someone older or someone who's been ill for a long time will feel easier to endure because it's predictable. Yet the disappearance from your life of a figure you've known since birth is, when it finally happens, always a sudden change.
4. Decisions about rituals are up to you. "Suddenly you're the adult preparing the funeral, the viewing, the obituary, the eulogy -- there's nobody older to tell you how to manage, no one to correct you or say, 'No, that's not how you do it!'" says one woman in her 40s who lost both parents within two years. "I felt pushed to a different level of adulthood."
5. Your children lose grandparents. Many people who lose their parents talk about "grieving for what won't ever be" -- being unable to ask their parents for parenting advice, for example, or having their parents attend their children's birthday parties, graduations, and weddings. Parents may also need to help their children mourn, or they may feel a need to preserve the grandparents' legacy for their children.
6. Losing the "buffer generation" forces us to reexamine our own mortality. When a grandparent dies, there's still a whole generation between you and death. With a parent's death, your own eventual demise may feel uncomfortably nearer.

http://www.caring.com/articles/death-of-a-parent

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After Caregiving: Picking up The Pieces By Brenda Race

As a caregiver, we totally commit ourselves to caring for another person who no longer functions as they once did in the normal scheme of life. We move in with them or move them to us. We give up our jobs, our own independence, and very often our family and friends. We become so involved with the care of that person out of love that we ourselves are removed from normal day to day living. Our entire life revolves around comforting and making our loved one feel loved. We protect them at all costs. In a very real sense we have given our life for another.... not out of obligation but out of LOVE! The ultimate test of LOVE for another! Then one day we wake up and our commitment has been released to a far greater LOVE in a place of no more pain or suffering! We grieve and then the process of finding our way back into the world begins anew.

How do we pick up the pieces and start to live again? I guess there is no so-called normal pattern that each of us has to follow. It seems to come down to taking one step at a time...some walk slower than others and some speed their way back out into the world! Often we take one step forward and two backwards ... it is not an easy process but there is a life after caregiving! We just have to look forward and find opportunities that are once again there for us. Renew old friendships, find a job that you feel good doing, do volunteer work (we already know you are a caring concerned person!), find a new or renew an old hobby.... but begin to take a few small steps towards living again! One of the best therapies is finding a friend you can talk to...one who will listen and support you as you ease back into the world! Soon you will find that life does still exist and you are a part of it! Butterflies are still flying and the birds are still singing. The light of another day is showing through the clouds, and all that you gave up was well worth it in the end! We are better than ever for our commitment. We are forever changed in a good way.... no one can ever take that total love away from us as we again join the world!
 

---

Brenda Race, R.N. was caregiver to her mother.  

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/after_caregiving.htm 

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End Of Life Caregiving - Caregiver's Library

Trust Yourself
If you have provided primary care to a loved one for a longer period of time, you are probably the person most equipped to determine what needs to be done now, and to fulfill his or her wishes. Trust in your ability to handle these additional responsibilities, but also realize that some things are out of your control.
If you have been placed into an end-of-life caregiving role by a crisis or event, try not to second-guess what you are feeling. Understand that conflicting emotions—fear, anger, grief, and helplessness—are natural, and have confidence in your own judgment
Understand the End Stage
Having some knowledge about what lies ahead—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—can make a real difference as you and your family prepare for the death of your loved one. Talk to your loved one’s doctor, nurse, and other members of the health care team about what to expect. Discuss these issues with family members, friends, children, and visitors when appropriate.
Connect with Support Structures
This includes family, friends, clergy and ministers, professionals, volunteers—anyone and everyone who has something to offer. Take advantage of help wherever you can find it, and avoid the all-too-common tendency of caregivers to become isolated.
Keep in mind, too, that most people want to help, but may be uncomfortable making the offer or with the circumstances. Make it easy for them. Let others know what they can do, in a concrete, practical way.
Review Legal and Financial Arrangements
This may include wills, powers of attorney (both financial and healthcare), “no code” or do-not-resuscitate orders, as well as the location and disposition of important documents and proofs of ownership. Having all of these measures in place and up-to-date will spare you and your family time and difficulty.
Maintain Your Health and Well-Being
It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and requirements during this time. Do what you can to maintain balance in your own life—physically, spiritually, and socially. If you feel selfish or guilty for spending time on yourself, keep in mind that no one can draw water from an empty well.
Evaluate Hospice
Hospice services have a high success rate in battling pain and helping terminal patients remain comfortable. Some families may have a difficult time with the idea of stopping efforts to combat a disease, but it’s important to consider all care options. Because hospice patients are cared for by a team (physicians, nurses, social workers, counselors, clergy, therapists, and volunteers), you may want to look at and interview services in advance, to choose a group that the family is comfortable with.
“Palliative care” programs likewise focus on maintaining comfort, but there is no expectation that life-prolonging therapies will not be used. And while hospice services commonly take place in the home, palliative care teams usually work in facilities or institutions.
Pre-Plan if You Can
There are many steps that can and should be taken well in advance of a loved one’s final days. These include a letter of last instructions (in which your loved one sets down his or her wishes for the funeral or ceremony), as well as pre-planning with a funeral home. Many choices and details can be finalized beforehand, when everyone is thinking clearly. This offers the additional reassurance that matters are being carried out in accordance with your loved one’s wishes.

http://www.caregiverslibrary.org/Default.aspx?tabid=94

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My Role Has Ended

 

This is taken from Denise Brown's Book:  The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey

 

Stage 6: The Godspeed Caregiver

My caregiving has ended.
Who are you?
Your role as caregiver ended more than two years ago. You find yourself compelled to make a difference in the lives of other caregivers. You share information readily with caregivers in the earlier stages, or you start a business dedicated to helping family caregivers, or you find a job in which you assist family caregivers. And, you treasure each relationship you have in your life, recognizing that each day, and your health, should never be taken for granted.
Your Keyword: Treasure
–Treasure your dreams;
–Treasure your challenges which led to your opportunities and new skills;
–Treasure your opportunities to share lessons learned;
–Treasure memories of your care recipient.
Your Purpose:
To implement your lessons learned from your role as caregiver, from your care recipient and from your family members and friends. During this stage, which can last as long you wish–even your lifetime–you reap the benefits of your efforts.
As a “Godspeed Caregiver”, what can you do?
1. Follow your dreams.
Make your goals your achievements.
2. Family caregivers will look to you as a mentor and leader.
Allow caregivers in earlier stages the same freedom to stumble and steady themselves that you had. All worthwhile journeys have trips and wrong turns; the journeys become meaningful as we learn from our mis-steps.
Share your experiences with expectant caregivers, freshman caregivers, entrenched caregivers and pragmatic caregivers. They can learn from you! (Many of the books, web sites, audio tapes and videos which helped you along your journey were developed by Godspeed Caregivers. !)
3. Treasure the memories you have of your care recipient.
Continue to remember your care recipient regularly through rituals, such as enjoying an ice cream cone in her honor on her birthday, or by planting trees in her name. Reading and reviewing your diary will be a great way to remember.
Of course, your best memorial to your care recipient’s memory is a life you build for yourself filled with healthy relationships, productive careers and joy and laughter.

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