Traveling On The Road Called Grief

Grief, it does not happen only when a person passes away. It is an emotion that accompanies some type of loss or tragedy that has taken place or is taking place in our lives.

"I recently had a moment, where I allowed myself to look into mom’s eyes, and linger there for a minute or so. That moment opened up those feelings of grief, the loss of the person mom once was. I do not allow myself that moment very often because it is painful; however it is a release to let the tears flow even for a few minutes."    I wrote this months ago, and felt it fit into this post on grief, because that was what I was experiencing, even though mom was still with me.

As your caregivers journey takes you on this road called grief, it is important to recognize and share with others these moments.
 
On Friday, August 9th mom stopped eating.  I managed to give her a few bites of pudding, but most of the time she just shook her head no, didn't want anything.
It is Saturday, August 14.  Last Friday mom, stopped eating.  I in my desperate need to feed and nurture her, would continue to offer her some of her pudding.  I managed a few times through those days to get her to take some of it.  But most of the time she would give me a little no head shake.

With mom’s passing on 8-16-10,  grief moved into my life in full force.  I do have the assurance and joy of knowing mom is in heaven and I will see her again.  She is strong, straight, free of wrinkles, and has thick beautiful hair.  But, I miss her. 

We have her remains here in a beautiful scattering tube that was purchased so we could scatter her remains along the Ohio River, her favorite place to swim when she was young.  I go into her room and pick up the container at least once a day, and I cry and I tell her how glad I am that she is in heaven and is perfect and whole now and with dad.  But, I say, I miss you mom.  So much has happened in these days since she left, wonderful things, but on the days that I am home all day, just me and the cats (and now we have a ferret too), I feel the loneliness and emptiness all around me, so keenly aware of the absence of her presence.  I miss her.  Grief is hard to bear yes, but how worse it would be if I did not know where she was and that I will see her again.  Faith and hope, more powerful then grief.

For a season, there will be grief, mourning the loss, missing here and I will go on.  As I was told about 2 ½ years ago, when mom is gone, I will continue on without skipping a beat.  That is so.

For those who have not yet followed my journey as mom’s caregiver these past years, you can do so on my first blogsite, The Bear Hug Waltz,  http://bearhugwaltz.blogspot.com  I will not be posting to that site anymore, as the waltz has ended.   

This Monday will be two weeks since mom passed.  Some days have dragged by unmercifully, while others zipping by.  It seems like a long time ago, yet just yesterday, or maybe the day before, I was sitting here typing and I started to get up to go check on mom.   I slowly sat back down.  No, I don’t have to do that anymore.

I want to include in this blog a post I wrote called the Long Goodbye.  Quite a few people have written posts or articles titled the same.  This one is my version.

The Long Goodbye

goodbye to sewing

goodbye to tole painting

goodbye to quilting

goodbye to doing laundry

goodbye to driving

goodbye to managing money

goodbye to taking trips

goodbye to shopping

goodbye to baking

goodbye to cleaning house

goodbye to doing dishes

goodbye to sending cards

goodbye to talking on the phone

goodbye to cooking

goodbye to reading and word search puzzles

goodbye to walking alone

goodbye to getting in the tub

goodbye to making it to the bathroom during the night

goodbye to telling time

goodbye to cooking

goodbye to going out

goodbye to remembering some times and places

goodbye to remembering some family and friends

goodbye to bathing

goodbye to using the bathroom, only the potty

goodbye to knowing morning from night

goodbye to eating solids

goodbye to drinking liquids

goodbye to feeding herself

goodbye to using a straw

goodbye to dentures

goodbye to blowing her nose

goodbye to sitting in a chair or on the couch

goodbye to using the potty

goodbye to controlled body eliminations

goodbye to talking

goodbye to my name

goodbye to standing

goodbye to sitting unassisted

goodbye to being up in wheelchair for more then once a day

goodbye to always sleeping at night

goodbye to eating what I determine to be enough for her

goodbye to skin staying strong and intact.

hello mom with the twinkle in your blue eyes......

But now the twinkle is gone, at least the earthly twinkle, now a sparkle exists that I can’t wait to see!