Rocks And Sticks On The Path

I am upset, surprisingly and not so surprisingly very upset.  The sad thing is, the only ones who will understand why, are other caregivers, or ex-caregivers.

It appears I made a mistake at something I posted online, and it upset the individual it was directed to, which was not my intention.  The whole situation came back at me, and I broke down.

I realized the request and comment I had made was not inappropriate at all.  But because it upset the other, I became the “bad guy” so to speak.   

The understanding that people say they have is so fragmented and incomplete, even those so close to you.  Why?  Because most people don’t really know the depths and multitudes of emotions that a caregiver experiences.  These things don’t go away just like that, they linger and from time to time are ignited.  Like mine were a short time ago. 

To a caregiver, the simplest happy things given can bring a moment of joy and sunshine into their day, but most don’t see or acknowledge that in any way. 

Now, as an ex-caregiver, trying to deal with all that the years of caregiving have done to me, I also am trying to deal with the grief.  I group myself in with the Adult Orphans now, and I know there are many, but they seem to be even more in the shadows then caregivers tend to be.

I do not normally get so upset over anything the way I did today.  And I can look inside myself and know what was truly behind it.  People always ask how I am, and I say fine.  Truth is I am not fine, really, if I am to be honest.  But no one knows what to do with that answer.  They don’t know how to make it better, anymore then they did when I was a caregiver.   

There are 3 different cultures of individuals, at least that I have discovered during these past years, The Caregiver, The Ex-Caregiver, and The Adult Orphan.  All linked together, but each have individual emotions and mind-sets as well.

As always, when something bothers me I write…no one to talk to about this, and no one, other then someone in one of those three groups would “get” it and understand anyhow.